The Balance of Life - Cheryl Muldoon
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” - Albert Einstein
Photo right before crash
August 4, 2019 started out as an exciting day. I was headed to pick up my brand new xc racing mountain bike and take it out for a test spin with some friends. Although I'd been riding many years, I started racing XC earlier that year, and loved it so much I upgraded my bike for it. We headed up a long technical climb and reached the perfect vantage point for a photo. Taking that photo is the last thing I remember. Shortly after this, I crashed. I have no memory of the crash, or most of that day. The riders I was with told me they were waiting up ahead and turned back to see me flying several feet through the air and landing with a loud thud. They ran back to find me unconscious. Imaging in the trauma center revealed I had a bleed on the brain and sustained a traumatic brain injury, as well as a fractured scapula and loads of soft tissue damage.
Traumatic brain injuries are life altering. There are the physical symptoms, such as headaches, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, and double vision. Then there are the cognitive symptoms, like problems finding words and brain fog. And there are the emotional symptoms, primarily being easily irritated and unable to control anger. While I was still visibly bruised and battered on the outside, it was easy for people to understand that I wasn't ok on the inside either. My speech was slow and I stumbled around losing balance easily. But once the wounds on the outside healed, it was often assumed that I was back to normal. That's not the case. I'm not the same me I was before the TBI. Things have improved, but not to previous levels. It took time to accept that who I am now is the new me, and that's ok. Last summer I got back on the bike. I'm not fully back to mountain biking yet. My balance still needs work, and honestly the thought of the crash still haunts me. Because I have no memory of the incident and no one saw exactly what happened, my imagination runs wild with what-if scenarios. But I have built up some fitness indoors on the trainer, and I ride outside on the road and gravel as much as I'm able to.
The biggest barrier to recovery would be the stigma associated with TBI, whether that's actually real or just my perception. I felt I needed to hide the extent of my injury from my coworkers, for fear of being judged as inadequate. There are more people with TBI in the cycling community than most realize, as many hide it.
I began short yoga sessions as soon as my physical injuries allowed. The obvious benefit is working on my balance. What I wasn't expecting was the calmness and focus it brings to my mind while I practice. My TBI brain is often either in a complete fog, or racing a mile a minute with random thoughts. Yoga takes me out of that, and allows me to bring awareness to my body and breathing, and to let go of any negative thought patterns I may be stuck in for the day. Cycling also has helped my recovery. In the beginning, it was nice just spinning gently on the trainer in a darkened room. Now, getting outside on the bike and just enjoying the ride helps me relax my mind. No pressure to ride far, or fast - just enjoy the fresh air and scenery. It's a way to work on balance and focus that doesn't feel like 'work'. At night, I've gotten into the habit of always listening to a sleep story or meditation when I go to bed to relax into sleep more easily. My mind will sometimes wander away from what I'm listening to, and that's ok, but it will eventually let go of the random thoughts and come back to the calming sounds.
For me, moving forward is about setting goals. Recovery is a journey, and each little step forward is something to be celebrated. Instead of expecting to be able to just jump right back on the mountain bike and do things I did before the crash, I've broken it down into a series of smaller, more attainable goals. Early in my recovery, the goal was just to be able to ride the bike on the indoor trainer - safely attached to the ground so I wouldn't lose balance. Next goal was riding the mountain bike around the block, with its wide stable tires. Progressed up to riding the gravel bike, with its narrow balance points, for longer durations. A quick ride off road on some gravel, a short trail ride on easy dirt with few obstacles... baby steps, but achievable goals that give me a sense of accomplishment rather than focus on failure.