“Expectations Kill Connection”

Hard-won advice on caregiving from Adam Pearce

When Kevin Pearce sustained a severe traumatic brain injury in 2009, Adam took a leave-of-absence from his job and spent an entire year by Kevin’s side supporting his rehabilitation. Adam and Kevin later co-founded LoveYourBrain.

Adam now serves as the Executive Director. Through his vision, LoveYourBrain endeavors to help all people understand what it means to truly love their brain.

LoveYourBrain Caregiver retreats are about honoring and supporting individuals who have been in a caregiving role for someone affected by brain injury. All too often, the needs of the family and friends of the person who experiences the injury get overlooked, understandably. But they also need time to focus on their healing. The approach we take at our retreats is to create a vulnerable, honest, and safe place where people can share, connect, and learn how to find balance between caring for themselves and those around them. Being able to step away from the intensive crucible of caregiving, even just for a few hours, can quickly provide needed relief and a new perspective. In addition, participants can learn important skills for sustainable caregiving over the long term.

The meaning has changed overtime as I continue to learn from our community. Most essentially, it expresses a mindset, and by extension a way of living. Unlike what we might call a “fixed mindset,” where everything is about the outcome (if you fail—or if you’re not the best—it’s all been wasted), the LoveYourBrain mindset allows people to value the full human experience. Maybe they haven’t made it to the top of the mountain, but each step was an opportunity to find meaning. It’s about being very real and honest, and believing that the very nature of challenge is change, and in that change, so much growth can happen.

So often, when in the thick of caregiving, when there’s a lot of struggle, we tend to think the problems we are facing are only external. This was certainly the case for me. I continued to think that Kevin’s behavior was causing my suffering. Once I started looking inward and doing my own personal work, I began to see that the real problem was ME! This was a huge turning point in our journey together and led to a much healthier and balanced dynamic in my relationship with Kevin—and myself.

“Caregiver” implies that you are taking care of someone. Not only is this not always the case, but it also instantly creates an imbalance, an inequity. In my opinion, a strong relationship needs balance and valuing what each person brings to the relationship. I see it more as a “care partnership.” Each person has a tremendous amount of learning, strengths, and care to be shared. We don’t have a new term yet, so if you have any recommendations, please share!

I have learned so much, mostly about how my expectations create suffering. A teacher once shared with me, “expectations kill connection.” I began to see how this was true for me. I had so many stories and thoughts that I was attached to that were interfering with the truth. I learned to separate out those expecations from what was happening, which caused me to relax, find more humor, and a softer heart.